Lousy Mood

Picture: Sam (Moonrise Kingdom)

I feel like I merely had my sweet-seventeen celebration yesterday, when my bestfriends came to my house with my highschool-sweetheart to gave me some surprise and brought a basic-birthday cheesecake with ONE and SEVEN candle on the top with a giant teddy bear and a bouquet of roses which make me wants to puke... (A glimpse of reminiscing)

aaand then tadaaaaa! Ten years has passed... *literally sniffling*

Surprise tradition would be the same, blow a candles on a birthday cake with close friends, a birthday-song from office mates on a co-space, bla bla bla, but thank God my boyf won't bring me a bouquet of roses and a giant teddy bear looollll

I trudged my days through an adulthood, knowing that it will never be the same like those adolescence ol'days. It is too horrifying to contemplate about growing old, because whether you realize it or not, greater age brings greater responsibility. Talk about responsibility, something that I really afraid of. I was born as a last child in my family, they treated me like I was a Kid no matter how old I am. My dad will always dropped me off and picked me up at school. My mom will always took care of my uniform, my shoes, our breakfast through dinner. And my sister will always told me who to date, who can be my friends, what is bad and good for me. That simply because they all think I am just a Kid who barely can't do or decide anything properly with my own self. I used to live like that.

But now, I have to choose to living far away from them. The only thing on my mind was "How am I supposed to live without any directions and help from them?" My mom become paranoid at first and she won't let me go eventhough I tried so hard to convinced her. As stubborn as I am, I won't go anywhere without my mom's consent. She still called me everyday just to ask "Wake up yet? What did you eat? Don't forget to Pray" etc. But guys, living far from parents has gave me some lesson. I realized we can't rely on anything to anybody. At the end of the day, we HAVE TO do it by ourselves. We only have ourselves. We're the one who determine our future.

As I grew older, I became more selective to choose people who I'd rather hang out with. Ever heard about "Choose your friends wisely" because friends influence your life. Hanging out with a positive person can lift up your mood and vice versa, spending time with a negative person can drain you of joy. Having a thousand acquaintances feel wasted nowadays. I still can handle casual chit-chat "What've you been up to lately?" But I can only give a hasty explanation if they choose to ask further. I don't want small talk, fake laughing, bits and bobs of gossiping around. I wanna have a deep-long conversation radiating a good vibes till I forget the time that I spend. I get rid of some of my friends by not hangout with them anymore. Anytime they wanna meet, I make an excuse like "Sorry, I can't. Been busy with works lately" or "I have another appointment, sorry." Heck, that make me sounds like a bitch, in fact this tiny speck of dust try not to waste any precious time with them and feeling uncomfortable instead. It's not about quantity, it's quality what matters the most.

Currently, I feel fed up with my routine (or with my job?) I'm not sure. I feel like I didn't gain anything at this age, I didn't acquire any achievement until now. I had a good position right now in office. All I do is controlling people below me, making a report and contributes with some project, bla bla bla. But I don't like who am I working for (The company's system is obscure). There is a tendency that lead to something bad might happen soon if I choose to stay here a bit longer. Beside, this isn't something that I wanna do for my whole life. Meanwhile, witnessing my friends had a great job with splendid salary, getting married with their true love, taking vacation to greece-norway-iceland, having kids, and live happily ever after. We're living in Indonesia where people measure maturity through marriage and casually accused others as an immature slash unsuccessful slash wholly inadequate person if we're not get married yet. And here I am, stuck with a shitty job and fear of marriage still haunting me. I know I know, peer pressures is stupid, right? Some might say "Don't ever compare yourself with others, there is no comparison between sun and moon. They shine when it's their time".

At this stages, I encounter the intersection between "I should do something with my life" or "I should make money" is quite confusing. Part of me wanna do something that I care about which won't give a great income, or I'm gonna stuck here, continue the routine moderately, setting my fake effing laugh and then swearing at home (which is kinda frustating) and instantly produce some of good money. I am struggling with the balance of What I want and What I need. Probably the latter,  Do not settle for less if you deserve more, right?